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  I FOUND A DOG SITTING ALONE IN THE HARDWARE AISLE—AND HER TAG SAID JUST ONE WORD

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  I TOOK MY DAD’S PLACE ON THE BOAT—AND ONE MAN MADE SURE I KNEW I DIDN’T BELONG

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  MY KIDS SAW A MAN RIDING MY OLD BIKE—AND WHAT HE DID NEXT LEFT ME SPEECHLESS

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  I MOVED TO THE MOUNTAINS TO BE ALONE—AND FOUND A DONKEY THAT WOULDN’T LEAVE ME ALONE

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  HE SAID “I’M NOT YOUR REAL DAD”—AND MY SON’S ANSWER BROKE ME

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  MY DOG SUDDENLY STARTED SLEEPING BESIDE ME EVERY NIGHT—AND THEN THE VET CALLED

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  I WENT TO ADOPT A KITTEN—BUT HE CHOSE ME INSTEAD

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  I FOUND HER SHIVERING BEHIND A DUMPSTER—AND THEN SOMEONE CLAIMED SHE WASN’T MINE

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  SHE THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING—BUT HE WAS ACTUALLY SAYING HELLO

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  I GRADUATED AT 42—AND SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK MY PICTURE

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  SHE ACCUSED ME OF KIDNAPPING MY OWN SON—AND HE SHUT HER DOWN

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  I TOOK HER TO MEET THE MAN I NEVER WANTED TO SEE AGAIN