I must say, receiving your letter has been the highlight of my day. It’s true that we’ve been married for 7 years, but I wouldn’t exactly call you a good man. Your constant whining and complaining have driven me to watch my soaps just to drown out the noise. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been very effective.
By the way, I did notice your new haircut last week. My first thought was, “Wow, you look just like a girl!” But since my mother taught me to be polite and not say anything if I can’t say something nice, I kept my thoughts to myself. And when you cooked my favorite meal, it seems you confused me with MY SISTER, because I haven’t eaten pork in 7 years.
Oh, and those new silk boxers of yours? Well, I turned away when I saw the $49.99 price tag. Coincidentally, my sister had borrowed $50 from me that very same morning. I hope that wasn’t related.
But despite everything, I still loved you and believed we could work things out. That’s why when I won 10 million dollars in the lottery, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. And yet, when I returned home, you were nowhere to be found.
I guess everything happens for a reason. I truly hope you find the fulfilling life you’ve always wanted. On a positive note, my lawyer has informed me that your letter ensures you won’t receive a single dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but my sister Carla was actually born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
