Sarah never thought she’d be caught in such a dilemma. She feels like the villain in her own home and is uncertain whether her actions are justified. She reached out to our team to get some perspective on whether she’s on the right path.
Here’s her story.
Sarah set some guidelines for her stepdaughter to create a healthy household environment.
Sarah is married to a wonderful man named Mark, who has a 16-year-old daughter named Emma from a previous marriage. Emma has been living with them full-time for the past six months. Initially, Sarah was eager to build a closer relationship with Emma, but things haven’t gone as smoothly as she had hoped. Emma is a bright and strong-willed teenager, and they’ve clashed over many issues, mostly concerning household rules.
Sarah explained, “From the start, I laid down some ground rules for our home. I believe that maintaining a structured environment with clear rules helps everyone coexist peacefully.” This is what she implemented:
Chores: Everyone has duties.
Emma’s chores included keeping her room tidy, doing her own laundry, and helping with dishes and taking out the trash.
Curfew: On school nights, it’s bedtime by 10 PM. On weekends, she could stay up until midnight but no later.
Screen Time: No phones or laptops at the dinner table, and a maximum of two hours of recreational screen time on school nights.
Respectful Communication: No shouting, name-calling, or disrespectful language is tolerated in the house.
Emma has never had to follow any rules while living with her mother.
Emma was accustomed to a much more relaxed setting at her mother’s house and resented Sarah’s rules from day one. Initially, it was minor issues like leaving dirty dishes in the sink or ignoring her chores. Sarah tried to talk with her calmly, emphasizing how important these rules were for everyone’s well-being, but Emma would only nod and hardly comply.
The real problems started with the curfew. Emma often stayed up past midnight on school nights to text friends or scroll through social media. This affected her mood and performance in school. When Sarah tried to enforce the 10 PM bedtime, Emma pushed back, saying it wasn’t fair because all her friends stayed up later.
Emma had a meltdown.
Then there was the issue of screen time. Sarah shared, “Emma was always on her phone. Despite repeated requests to put it away, she persisted in bringing it to the dinner table. One evening, I firmly told her to put her phone down during dinner. Emma exploded, screaming, ‘You’re not my mother! You can’t tell me what to do!’”
For Sarah, that was the last straw. She felt disrespected and undermined. She discussed the situation with Mark, but he was torn. He hated seeing Emma upset, but he also understood the importance of having rules. Unfortunately, he often sided with Emma, making it challenging for Sarah to enforce any rules consistently.
Sarah gave Emma an ultimatum.
After another argument about chores and curfew, Sarah and Emma had a sit-down one evening. Sarah calmly but firmly stated that the rules were non-negotiable. If Emma couldn’t follow them, they’d have to reconsider her living arrangement. Emma scowled and said, “Fine, maybe I should just go back to Mom’s then!”
Sarah didn’t want it to come to this, but she couldn’t live in a home where rules were ignored. She suggested that it might be beneficial for Emma to spend more time at her mother’s until they could work things out.
Emma made a swift decision.
Emma packed a bag and went to stay with her mother that night. They tried reaching out to her through her mother, but Emma was resolute and refused to speak to Sarah, insisting that returning was not an option.
Her mother was also unhappy about the situation, stating that they needed to find a new arrangement since Sarah couldn’t ensure her daughter’s well-being. Mark was naturally distressed, caught between his wife and daughter.
Sarah now feels lost and uncertain.
Mark was heartbroken, accusing Sarah of being too strict. She felt guilty, yet also relieved, as the constant tension had been overwhelming.
Now, Sarah is questioning whether she made the right decision. She wants a good relationship with Emma, but she also values structure and respect in their home. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you balance enforcing rules and maintaining relationships with stepchildren?
